kind of blue

I’ve been feeling blue.

I’ve been feeling blue since the rush of September and back-to-school, when I thought I’d finally have time to myself, time to be productive. But I haven’t been able to get my shit together.

This dark, heavy beast of anxiety, depression, and feral laziness is singing a siren’s song to stay at home, don’t do things, it’s too hard. I’ve been nervous about going places, scared to talk to people, and feel sad and guilty about being scared and nervous. It’s a horrid cycle and I can’t get out of it.

I read this (from the amazing Glennon Melton) and I loved this, and I thought it was enough to get me motivated again. Then things happened that were sad, not to me directly, but to another family, and it was just so very sad.

I’m really good at talking other people off the ledge, but I never listen to myself.

I happened upon this late last night and it resonated with me. It’s a t-shirt, but it stands for something.

“TWLOHA is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.”

The latest blog post Beautiful. Loved. Enough. were exactly the words I needed to read.

When I woke up this morning, a familiar sensation of dread took over me. Thoughts of, “I have to do this,” “I can’t do this,” “What if I don’t do this?” filled my mind. I wanted to go back to sleep and hide from the world.

If you feel like this sometimes, you’re not alone. I’m with you, and there is hope.

TWLOHA has some resources to get you started. If this is an emergency or if you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please call your local authorities (911). The hotlines below are 24 hours and are confidential.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.TALK (273-8255)

National Child Abuse Hotline 1.800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (799-7233)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)  1.800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project  1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488-7386)

Veterans Crisis Line  1.800.273.TALK (273-8255) PRESS 1

“mom-petition” is all in your head

I realize it’s been forever and a day, but there is so much truth in this post from Glennon Melton at Momastery that I had to share:

Glennon Melton: Quit Pointing Your Avocado At Me.

big hair, marching band, and bon jovi

Three things that remind me of high school. I just received a Facebook invite to my 20-year high school reunion. I am 99.9% positive I will not be going. Here’s why:

  • I grew up in central Jersey. No, I don’t know what exit. I fled the state as soon as I turned 18 for what I call “irreconcilable cultural differences” that still exist.
  • The reunion isn’t just in Jersey — it’s down the shore (note that I use the proper local terminology “down the shore”), at Point Pleasant, on the boardwalk, at Jenkinson’s amusement park. It doesn’t get much more Jersey than that. I’m scared.
  • I have social anxiety when going to dinner with people I know and love. I’d need ativan or valium or some such thing to just get through this.
  • Do I really want to party with people I haven’t seen for 20 years? People who I wasn’t even friends with in high school? People who contributed to my deeply depressed and disturbed state of mind throughout my formative years? Um… not so much.
  • Does anyone really enjoy going to these things?
  • Social media has enabled me to find people I wish I’d kept in touch with. I don’t need to drive 6 hours to Jersey over a weekend in June to find them. If I wanted to find the rest of them, I would have already.

I’m not the only one who feels this way — so does this guy. That said, there remains a 0.1% chance I could change my mind. If you have any words of persuasion, pearls of wisdom, or experiences from your own high school reunions, please share!

And no, I never had big hair. I tried, but I’m Asian. Yes, I was in my high school marching band — we were state champs. And yes, I did, and still do, love Bon Jovi.

hi there, handsome.