kind of blue

I’ve been feeling blue.

I’ve been feeling blue since the rush of September and back-to-school, when I thought I’d finally have time to myself, time to be productive. But I haven’t been able to get my shit together.

This dark, heavy beast of anxiety, depression, and feral laziness is singing a siren’s song to stay at home, don’t do things, it’s too hard. I’ve been nervous about going places, scared to talk to people, and feel sad and guilty about being scared and nervous. It’s a horrid cycle and I can’t get out of it.

I read this (from the amazing Glennon Melton) and I loved this, and I thought it was enough to get me motivated again. Then things happened that were sad, not to me directly, but to another family, and it was just so very sad.

I’m really good at talking other people off the ledge, but I never listen to myself.

I happened upon this late last night and it resonated with me. It’s a t-shirt, but it stands for something.

“TWLOHA is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.”

The latest blog post Beautiful. Loved. Enough. were exactly the words I needed to read.

When I woke up this morning, a familiar sensation of dread took over me. Thoughts of, “I have to do this,” “I can’t do this,” “What if I don’t do this?” filled my mind. I wanted to go back to sleep and hide from the world.

If you feel like this sometimes, you’re not alone. I’m with you, and there is hope.

TWLOHA has some resources to get you started. If this is an emergency or if you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please call your local authorities (911). The hotlines below are 24 hours and are confidential.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.TALK (273-8255)

National Child Abuse Hotline 1.800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (799-7233)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)  1.800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project  1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488-7386)

Veterans Crisis Line  1.800.273.TALK (273-8255) PRESS 1